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The UK government has made good on its pledge to build on the diplomatic success of the Olympics and boost British exports with our trading partners around the world by offering to revoke the diplomatic status of their diplomats and storm their embassies with armed police.

In a speech, the Foreign Secretary, William Hague, explained why he was keen to increase efforts to improve UK trade with the most important nations in emerging global markets by proposing to kick down the front doors of their diplomatic missions:

Recent UK trade deficit figures show that not enough has been done in the past to persuade people around the world to buy British – so we’re aiming to boost UK exports to other nations by offering incentives such as stripping away the diplomatic immunity of their embassy staff and treating them like common criminals. We feel sure that once we have threatened to violate the sovereignty of their country and extradite them against their will to a country of our choice, they will be much more predisposed to open up their markets to British products.

However, experts say that even if Mr Hague’s plans to ride roughshod over the diplomatic status of our trading partners proved popular around the world, it would only encourage them in turn to increase their own exports by plying Britons with tempting offers such as arresting our most unpopular politicians the moment they stepped foot out of the country and extraditing them to places which would like to put them on trial for war crimes.

The plans come on top of other measures announced by the coalition government to persuade other nations to buy the best of British such as provocatively deploying Prince William in tight jump suits near their coastlines, insulting their national dances in patronising prime ministerial speeches and killing their children in drone attacks.

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