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(satire)

David Cameron has admitted that Britain has to do more to recover from what he called the “disappointing” Olympic results and has pledged to cut the country’s medal deficit with a series of radical measures including lowering taxes for the rich, raising VAT for everyone else as well as cutting benefits for the disabled and terminally ill cancer patients.

A spokesperson for number 10 explained the reasoning behind the plans:

The lack of medals by team GB is a direct result of the previous Labour government’s failure to tackle the problem of scrounging grannies, terminally ill cancer patients and disabled people eating too much. That’s why this government is dedicated to reducing the medal deficit by cutting people’s benefits thereby motivating them into becoming world champions so they can get themselves corporate sponsorship instead.

However, the spokesperson dismissed suggestions that the present national medal deficit is in fact much worse now than it was under the previous Labour administration, when Great Britain was ranked in fourth place behind China, the US and Russia:

The truth is that under Gordon Brown nothing was done to help struggling international corporations and fabulously wealthy people pay less tax – and the present Olympic medal deficit is clearly a direct result of that failure. By making sure only the richest people have enough money to feed themselves, we will be ensuring everyone else will realise the only way to escape the poverty trap is to become a world beating top class sports champion.

Mr Cameron was reacting to recent figures which suggested poor growth in the country’s strategically important ‘bread and circuses’ sector, which experts say is creating too few distractions from the dire state of the economy due to a lack of medals being won by team GB.

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Other articles by Tom Pride:

UK suffers worst double-dipstick chancellor in 50 years

Tory MP demands return to traditional right-wing omnishambles after success of ‘lefty’ opening ceremony

Aidan Burley complains about lack of Nazi theme in ‘leftie’ Olympic ceremony

Oops! The Daily Mail accidentally supports a fascist party. Again.

Nazi Regrets ‘Offensive’ Tory Party

Serious Breach Of Security As Worker Smuggles Can of Pepsi Into Olympic Park

Rooftop missiles to target suspicious bus and tube passengers during Olympic Games

Al Qaeda affiliate G4S pins down thousands of UK troops in remote Stratford province

G4S Embassy Guards Sacked By US Government For Drinking Vodka Out Of Each Others’ Bottoms. Not satire – it’s true!

Oh dear! G4S were in charge of security at airport which let 9/11 hijackers slip through.

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