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(satire)

Private security company set to lose £50m from £284m Olympics contract after admitting it cannot supply enough security personnel with decent haircuts.

The G4S chief executive, Nick Buckles, has told MPs that he regrets ever taking on the Olympic security contract with such a large mullet and in an appearance before the House of Commons home affairs committee, agreed that his hair had turned into “a humiliating shambles” that has left his company’s reputation in tatters.

Buckles admitted he should never have tried to manage such an important contract with a 70s skullrug, as MPs lined up to brand his hairstyle “unacceptable”, “incompetent” and “amateurish”.

Labour MP David Winnick said about his hair: “It’s a humiliating shambles isn’t it?”

Buckles replied: “I cannot disagree with you.”

Mr Buckles and his humiliating mullet

Mr Buckles went to Parliament to say sorry for the mismanagement of the shambolic hairstyle and to salvage as much of his mullet as he could but he ended up agreeing that his personal styling had been “humiliating”. He also opened the cheque book; he promised to pay for any additional costs incurred by going to a decent hairdresser and he agreed to consider paying a tip to her if this was deemed appropriate.

G4S has been under fire since it emerged last week that 3,500 extra military personnel have had to be deployed with closely cut hairstyles to meet the firm’s shortfall in trained security guards with decent haircuts for the Olympic Games.

Police – who are also strictly forbidden to be on duty sporting dangerous hairstyles such as mullets or perms – have also been asked to fill gaps left by G4S.

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