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(satire)

PM considers scrapping benefits for millionaire footballers who miss penalties as part of £10bn of savings from welfare budget

David Cameron is to set out plans to scrap housing benefit for Young, the England winger whose appalling penalty was responsible for putting England out of the Euro 2012 championship.

In a statement, the Prime Minister said:

We inherited a system from Labour which discourages our footballers from scoring goals. That’s why we’re proposing we put players who miss penalties on workfare schemes serving hamburgers in McDonald’s.

But the chief secretary to the Treasury, Danny Alexander, distanced the Liberal Democrats from the plans, arguing the priority should be to secure a win for one of the UK’s teams at the next World Cup in 2014 – one year before the next General Election – thereby ensuring that everyone will forget what an appalling mess the coalition has left the country in and help them win another term in office.

However, Labour has unexpectedly dropped its opposition to the Prime Minister’s plans after the leader, Ed Miliband, saw a slow-motion action replay of the penalty:

The Labour Party welcomes proposals of cuts in benefits for Ashley Young after such an atrocious shot –  in fact we’re going to go one better than the Tories in our manifesto and win the popular vote by proposing to cut the benefits of all the England players after such an appalling display of incompetence in the game against Italy.

Meanwhile, in an ominous sign that the Prime Minister can expect more trouble from the right-wing of his party,  the leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party, Nigel Farage said:

This shows how England should never have been in the Euro in the first place. If we win the next election we will immediately pull all the UK football teams out of the Euro and force them to play cricket instead.

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Related articles by Tom Pride:

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West Mulls Military Strikes Against IKEA

MoD Accused Of Abusing People’s Civil Rights While Killing Them

Angry police seek right to kettle themselves

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