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(satire)

Gordon Brown has admitted New Labour did little to shore up the crisis in celebrity relationships during its 13 years in power and has accepted responsibility for the drifting apart and final split in the 14-year relationship between Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis.

In an extraordinary admission of failure, the former Prime Minister conceded that during his time as both Chancellor and head of the government, he gave little thought to how the break up of marriages of the rich and famous could be avoided.

In strong language illustrating how strongly he regrets his failure to stem the tide of celebrity break-ups, Mr Brown said:

I was spending all my time trying to protect the UK economy from the worst effects of the global economic meltdown, why the f**k would I be thinking about Johnny Depp?

A spokesperson for David Cameron, the present Prime Minister said it was another illustration – along with global warming and world overpopulation – of the mess left behind by Gordon Brown:

This is yet another example of how New Labour did nothing during its time in power to help the rich and the famous. We on the other hand are doing everything we can to help them, mainly by letting them get away with paying as little tax as possible.

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