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(satire – I think)

Controversial plans to blast breeding pairs of peasants were abruptly dropped by the Government yesterday, 24 hours after plans by the government to cull them were extensively highlighted and criticised in The Independent.

The Wildlife Minister, Richard Benyon, a millionaire landowner and keen member of the shooting community, had sanctioned a research project to investigate how best to prevent out-of-control breeding of young peasants in the country. The plan involved destroying peasant nests – known as ‘housing estates’ – by blasting them with shotguns and removing the indigenous wildlife which lives there to other wilder regions of the country – such as Liverpool.

The reason given for the policy was to protect nearby areas which are populated with richer varieties of wildlife – especially those species most at risk of extinction such as Toffs, Tories and Snobs.

However, critics say that Mr Benyon’s agreeing to the destruction of fully protected species of human wildlife such as peasants, common serfs and gophers, was incompatible with European law – which generally  outlaws culling of human populations without good reason.

The government’s decision to drop the planned shoot of peasants has infuriated Tory rightwingers angered at the way in which they believe Strasbourg judges have interfered with age-old UK rights such as the right for landowners to kill off unwanted poor people living too close to them.

A spokesperson for the UK government accused the EU of unnecessary interference in British internal affairs:

We have got a stark option: either we accept the European convention and risk out-of-control breeding pairs of peasants swamping the country with more and more poor people or we don’t accept it, decide to leave the Council of Europe and continue with the traditional British custom of regularly culling our peasant population by hunting them down and shooting them for sport.

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Related articles by Tom Pride:

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Wildlife and farming disaster warning as incompetence spreads across England

England’s human wildlife faces tragedy as worst moral drought in 30 years hits habitats

Severe conditions alert for UK as cold front of austerity paralyses the country

Old Codger Cull Given The Go Ahead In Two Areas Of England

Adam Smith Institute – Sun Shining For Free Not A Sustainable Business Model

Government to reduce energy costs with more hot air

Tories Reveal Radical Green Policy

Diet High In Red Tops Increases Risk of Heart Attacks

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