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In a bid to wrest power away from more traditional, old-fashioned members of the Conservative Party, a group of younger, forward-thinking Tory MPs have seized key posts in a vote on the influential 1922 committee which represents back-bench Tory MPs and say they are hoping to bring the party forward several hundred years right into the 19th century.

The group of self-styled ‘modernisers’ have pledged to rejuvenate the party’s old-fashioned image and replace its previous ‘stone-age’ policies with newer ideas which reflect the more up-to-date Victorian era values favoured by the Prime Minister, David Cameron.

A representative of the group explained the thinking behind the new movement:

We’re fed up of our party being run by dinosaurs. We want the Conservative Party to be a modern party – relevant to contemporary Britain – not constantly harking back to an old-fashioned stone-age era – and that’s why we’re determined to bring it right up to date – somewhere around 1865 would be good.

Kris Hopkins, the MP for Keighley, said shortly before the local elections:

This modern Victorian thinking means a new breath of fresh air is coming to the Conservative Party – with contemporary, cutting edge ideas – some as recent as 200 years old.

But one traditionalist Tory MP said:

This is awful. The Conservative Party should represent traditional values – not these faddy, new-fangled, upstart Victorian ones.

Some examples of the modern, cutting-edge ideas which have been suggested by the new group are:

introducing special housing projects for unemployed workfare attendees – to be known as ‘workhouses’
universal health care for untitled ladies and gentlemen of means
compulsory beating of children and servants every day with well-oiled canes
introducing legislation to protect minors from things that may be harmful to their morals – such as exposure to naked piano legs and other vulgarities such as suffragettes.

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