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(satire)

Residents in east London are due to have missiles placed on their roofs this week to protect the Olympic Games from London’s deadly underground trains and double-decker buses, which could target innocent passengers in a similar way to the 7/7 bombers terrorist attacks.

Military planners have decided to fit high-velocity rockets to several apartment blocks close to the Olympic Park which could be deployed against suspicious looking double-decker buses and underground trains within a range of 5km. They could also be used against dark-skinned pedestrians on London’s High Streets carrying suspicious backpacks or any other kind of shopping bags which could contain an explosive device.

This weekend the Ministry of Defence informed the occupants of the Lexington Building apartment complex in Bow that a missile battery of anti-tube and ground-to-bus high-velocity rockets would be installed which are capable of shooting down double-decker buses and can counter “pop-up strikes” by foreign-looking passengers on Northern Line and Circle Line trains.

The MoD is to send leaflets to residents in other blocks chosen as temporary anti-mass transit vehicle missile bases before the systems are deployed with dummy missiles for a national Olympic security exercise starting on Wednesday.

An MoD spokesman said fewer than 10 sites had been selected to host anti-public transport batteries in areas around the Olympic Park, but those chosen were all in strategically important locations – for example in close proximity to tube stations and within range of busy bus stops.

The MoD leaflet sent to Lexington Building residents on Saturday says:

The location has been chosen as it is situated close to the Olympic Park and offers an excellent view of strategically important surrounding target areas, such as shopping centres and underground stations, as well as being within striking range of all the bus routes around the Olympic Park.

The top of the tower also offers a flat, uncluttered and safe area from which to launch missile attacks against potential threats from London’s public transport system – particularly the notorious number 12 double-decker bus stopping at Peckham Rye.

The Olympic security plans also include the deployment of RAF Typhoon fast jets which could be used to take out dangerous shopping centres and military helicopters operating in the skies above London from which snipers will be able to pick off pedestrians carrying suspicious backpacks, briefcases and biodegradable plastic shopping bags. It is also hoped that the arrival of the warship HMS Ocean in the river Thames will deter elderly shoppers armed with two-wheeled shopping trolleys who may be using the nearby Tesco as a cover for suicide attacks.

The decision to locate missiles above occupied homes sparked concern among the residents of the Lexington Building, part of the former Bryant & May match factory that was regenerated to create the Bow Quarter, containing more than 700 apartments. A resident expressed the concerns:

I’ve looked these missiles up and I don’t think they’re the kind of thing you can fire at public transport in a highly populated area like Tower Hamlets without causing some kind of collateral damage. I would much rather the army used shoulder-mounted anti-tank weapons against suspicious buses, particularly as I only ever use the tube.

But the MoD said the weapons were unlikely to create much collateral damage as they were likely to be Star Streak high-velocity missiles, which travel at more than three times the speed of sound and use a system of three dart-like projectiles to allow multiple hits on a target, such as the tyres, the driver’s cabin and the strategically important back seat on the top deck where only dodgy people sit anyway.

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