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Conservative and Liberal Democrat ministers have “banged” the NHS at a cabinet meeting after the impending passing of the coalition’s NHS reforms into law, Downing Street has said.

The Health and Social Care Bill, for England, has had a difficult passage through Parliament but the NHS was finally screwed by the House of Lords on Monday.

The government hopes it will now enter law and be totally f***ed by Easter.

A Downing Street spokesman said “cross-party” celebrations had taken place after Conservative and Liberal Democrat ministers had heard the NHS was finally ready to be completely and utterly shafted.

The bill has been the subject of a prolonged battle over the past year – with professional bodies representing doctors, nurses and other NHS workers resisting the changes and stating that in their professional opinion, if the reforms were to go ahead in their present state, public health care in the UK could become comprehensively stuffed.

But the prime minister’s spokesman said there had been “cross-party banging” of the NHS at the cabinet table to mark the imminent Royal Assent for the legislation.

He added that government ministers were hoping the NHS would become buggered before the Easter Recess, which starts next Tuesday.

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