The Liberal Democrats, who suffer from a terminal condition known as locked-in coalition syndrome, have effectively backed the right for voters to end the “indignity and misery” of their existence by repeatedly voting against dropping the government’s health and social care bill.
The bill, which will essentially privatise the national health service, is thought by experts to be the most effective method to commit political suicide, with fast acting after-effects which are certain to result in the end of the Liberal Democrats’ existence as a party.
The Liberal Democrat leader, Nick Clegg, who was severely damaged in 2010 after a coalition with the Prime Minister David Cameron in the Downing Street Rose Garden, took the decision after experts confirmed his condition had become terminal.
As a result of the damage caused by the fatal coalition, the Liberal Democrats’ existence has been reduced to a life of misery, barely being able to function meaningfully or do anything independently of their partner.
In a statement, Mr Clegg said he was “fed up” with his political life:
I have to constantly listen to people telling me how useless I am. I’ve lost all my friends. I spend all day in my office without anyone talking to me – not even the Tories like me anymore. This is not living. This is barely existing. It has become unbearable.
Experts are divided on exactly why the Liberal Democrats seem intent on bringing about their own demise. One expert however, said there was a “huge amount” of public support for Mr Clegg’s sad case, and that generally the public was thought to be supportive of his party’s bid for euthanasia:
Whilst normally the public would not support a change in the law to allow voluntary euthanasia (direct ending of life) by political parties – after what the Liberal Democrats have done to the NHS they’re prepared to make a big exception in their case.
A spokesperson for the Liberal Democrats explained that the party leadership had been aware for some time that their condition was already terminal:
For a while we thought we were in a stable condition after the horrific coalition happened. But the first sign all was not well was when we started displaying bizarre behaviour – inexplicable things such as tripling tuition fees and being nice to Tories. And since we started backing the demise of the NHS, we’ve come to realise that the only way to relieve our suffering is to kill ourselves off. There’s absolutely nothing else that can be done for us. We’re a completely hopeless case.
A member of the public summed up the general feeling of hopelessness and resignation around the sad fate and tragic end of the Liberal Democrats:
Bastards. They sold out the NHS. So f**k them.
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