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Remember that great joke by Labour MP Grahame Morris about Andrew Lansley being a broken arrow because he “doesn’t work and you can’t fire him”?

Hard to beat that but here are some more of the better ones I’ve been hearing about him anyway on the principle that, with what Lansley’s doing to the NHS at the moment, if you don’t laugh you’ll only end up crying.

By the way, if you’ve got any other jokes about politicians – I’m always glad to share them, so why not post them in the comments below?


What’s the difference between Andrew Lansley and a colonic irrigation tube?

They’re both stuck up arses and full of shit but at least the tube can be used to water the garden afterwards.


What have Andrew Lansley and an expensive vaccination got in common?

One’s a pain in the arse with an unwanted bill and the other’s a jab.


A visitor to a hospital is stopped by a member of staff in the car park:

“Sorry to bother you but during a visit to the hospital some demonstrators have taken Andrew Lansley hostage and are threatening to drain all his blood, fill him up with petrol and set him on fire unless he drops his NHS reform bill. So we’re asking around for donors in case the worst comes to the worst and he needs a transfusion. Would you be willing to donate?

“Sure. What type will you need?”

“Any type will do, unleaded, 4-star, diesel……”


What’s the difference between Andrew Lansley and a canary?

They’re both yellow with clearly bent bills but these days no-one would dream of taking the bird down a mine to be gassed.


How can you tell the difference between Andrew Lansley lying dead in the road and a dog lying dead in the road?

With the dog there will be skid marks.


Two men were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed “Here lies Andrew Lansley, a consummate politician and an honest man.” After reading the inscription, one of the men turned to the other and said:

“I didn’t know they were allowed to bury three people in the same grave, did you?”


Knock Knock!

Who’s there?


In that case KEEP OUT while the health secretary’s visiting the ward or you WILL be arrested.


Andrew Lansley dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. “Oh, it’s you,” says St. Peter, “I’m sorry, no Tories in heaven, especially not you.” “What?” exclaims Lansley, astonished. “You heard, no Tories, especially after what you did to the NHS.” “But, but, but, I know I made a mistake with the NHS bill but I’ve done some good things in my life”, replies Lansley. “Oh really”, says St. Peter. “Like what?” “Well” said Lansley, “Once, I gave 10 pounds to Oxfam”. “Oh” says St. Peter. “anything else?” “Well, another time I also gave a tenner to Dr Barnardos.” “Hmmm. Anything else?” “Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the RSPCA.” “Okay”, says St. Peter, “You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.”

Ten minutes later, St. Peter returns, looks Lansley in the eye and says, “I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your thirty quid back, now fuck off”.


Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from the doctors protesting against him.


What have you got if you bury Andrew Lansley up to his neck in sand?

Not enough sand.


Doctor Doctor! Every time you give me an injection I think I’m Andrew Lansley!

I warned you there was a danger you might feel a prick.


And finally my personal favourite (can’t find the origin of it – but I’m told it might have come from here at healthpolicyinsight.com):

What have Andrew Lansley and a pelican got in common?

They can both stick their bills up their arses.



Related articles by Tom Pride:

Andreus Lansleylococcus – the deadly threat lurking in our hospitals

Andrew Lansley ‘complex, incoherent and not fit for purpose’, say doctors

Lib’ Dem’s Win Major Concessions From Tories Over NHS Bill Punctuation

Cameron to voters – here’s two pointers why I’m going ahead with NHS privatisation anyway ….

RIP NHS 1948 – 2012

Cameron Organises Summit With Himself On NHS

Lansley – Increasing Number of Private Patients in the NHS Will Decrease Number of Private Patients in the NHS

Andrew Lansley To Undergo Painful ‘U-Turn’ Operation

Andrew Lansley’s Face To Help Reduce Hospital Waiting Lists

NHS Reforms – Doctors No Longer To Diagnose and Treat Sickness

Private NHS Hospital Cuts All Corners To Make Profit And Calls Itself ‘Circle’

Cameron – NHS Privatisation Doesn’t Mean NHS To Be Privatised

Government To Allow Patients To Run Hospitals

Government Extends ‘Nudging’ Policy To Winking and Nodding

Andrew Lansley: Dying can be good for us


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