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New Labour Tactics Aim To Take Fight Straight To Tories’ Faces

Labour MP and former army major Eric Joyce has unveiled the party’s latest strategy to fight the Tory Party.

The new strategy was announced  in a House of Commons bar known as the Strangers’ Bar on Wednesday evening and continued in a police station in Belgravia.

A Labour party spokesperson explained the reasoning behind the new strategy:

It is noticeable how we as the opposition have been completely and utterly unable to land any substantial blows on the government, despite the open goals they have presented us with, such as countless government advisers resigning, regular minister’s gaffes and unpopular policies such as reform of the NHS. That’s why we’ve decided to change our tactics to one of nutting their MPs instead.

A spokesperson for the Conservative Party admitted that the success of the new strategy had indeed taken them by surprise:

Obviously with all the mess we’ve been making of things from the economy to the NHS, we’ve been expecting the opposition to land a few blows on us, but we have to admit we weren’t quite expecting it to be like this.

Joyce, the MP for Falkirk,  in an statement given in a small windowless interview room attended by a select group of two Metropolitan police detectives, explained the new approach to fighting the government:

The Tories have been inflicting so many cuts on the rest of us, I wanted to show them what it was like to have some cuts inflicted on them.

However, a spokesperson for the Labour leader, Ed Miliband, revealed a possible conflict among the party’s leadership caused by Mr Joyce’s success:

Ed Miliband is concerned about the fact that a Labour MP can land more blows on the government by getting pissed as a fart in a bar and lashing out at them than he himself has managed to do in nearly 2 years of opposition. That’s why we’ve suspended him. Mr Joyce, not Mr Miliband that is.

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