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Here are the Chancellor’s top 10 excuses as to why his economy has broken down after nearly 2 years in a close relationship with it:

1) It’s not me, it’s you.

2) It wasn’t my fault, it was your relationship with Labour / the sick and the disabled  / the EU that’s to blame.

3) My economy doesn’t understand me.  

4) The fat cats ate the recovery.

5) Recession means nothing to me – it was just a one-off that lasted 2 years.

6) I only did it to be sure I love me.

7) I’d already broken up with the economy so technically it wasn’t cheating.

8) I tried to ignore the recession but it just wouldn’t leave me alone.

9) The recovery’s in the post.

10)  We only slept in the same bed, honestly, nothing happened – the economy just needed somewhere to crash, that’s all.

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