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9.00am.

The Office of The Home Secretary in the House of Commons.

An adviser to the Home Secretary, Theresa May, is presenting her with the monthly immigration figures:

Adviser: The figures show that 3 Brazilian illegal immigrants were caught entering Britain last month.

Theresa: Wow. That’s a fantastic success. Wait a moment – I’ll get onto Murdoch right away – it can be on tomorrow’s front pages.

Adviser: Well, minister, if you think it’s worth reporting.

Theresa: Worth reporting? Of course it’s worth reporting. (Picks up the phone) By the way, one thing before I call Rupert. Just exactly how many noughts does 3 brazilian have?

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Of course, we all know Theresa’s as mad as a box of frogs. The problem is, while she’s wasting her time trying to deal with the urgent problem of immigrant cat ownership, in the meantime crime has started rising for the first time in 16 years.

Here are some other articles by Tom Pride on the same subject:

Theresa May Accused Of Relaxing Border Checks For Chinese Immigrants Tian Tian and Yang Guang

Downing Street Backs Theresa The Cat Over Failure To Catch Unwanted Newcomers

Ken Clarke Sparks New Row With Theresa May Over Possession of Offensive Pets

Three Immigration Officers Suspended For Recklessly Following Minister’s Orders

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