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In a major speech today, David Cameron said his party will promote what he termed ‘popular capitalism’ by putting it up against the Labour Party’s ‘responsible capitalism’ show in the all-important 9.00pm Saturday night slot.

In the third new year intervention by the main party leaders on what is being described as a “capitalism ratings wars”, the prime minister opened up a major front in capitalism’s battle for the public’s affection when he said he would preside over a “kinder, more talent-focused” version of the reality show with an entertaining saturday night of “popular capitalism”:

I want these difficult economic times to achieve more than just paying down the deficit and encouraging growth. That’s why I want to encourage not just a socially responsible and genuinely popular capitalism, but one with a lot of sequins and glitter, dodgy turns and maybe even a song or two by Jedward too.

Critics and the public have been divided on the reasons why capitalism is rapidly losing its appeal but pollsters say the Labour leader Ed Miliband’s idea for a new kind of capitalism, complete with popular X Factor style voting at shareholders’ meetings, are resonating with voters.

But Cameron’s advisers believe that their bouncy, latin-infused, theme-tuned capitalism will ultimately prove to be more popular than Labour’s, by giving it a large injection of fun, glitter and camp escapism for all the family. As one adviser close to the Prime Minister explained:

He believes that royal weddings with funny, over-the-top outfits, glittery expensive yachts and a non-stop diet of mind-numbingly low-brow entertainment is the best imaginable way to let capitalism get away with murder.

Aides to Ed Miliband say the Labour leader is confident that Cameron will fail because he has no understanding of just how crap saturday night TV can be. The Labour leader believes he will trump Cameron in three key areas where he has more experience of an average British person’s idea of entertainment:

  • He likes Coronation Street and used to lie in bed watching Emmerdale between lectures at uni. He also used to watch Eastenders a lot, but stopped when Grant Mitchell left because Grant was tough but nice, much like he’s trying to be.
  • He knows every word to Hotel California by The Eagles and Eye of the Tiger by Survivor whereas Cameron probably only knows the words to the national anthem and Land of Hope and Glory.
  • He once sang a Phil Collins song at a karaoke evening in a crap pub somewhere when he was a student after he’d had a couple of lager tops too many in the student’s union bar. He thinks it might have been ‘Something in the Air Tonight”.

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