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The leaders of two brutal gangs, once deadly rivals but now working together to terrorise the civilian population with their extremist and ruthless ideology, have denied that the NHS hostage they seized in May last year is now dead.

The two sinister sects, known Al Qonsa Fattif and Liber Al Dems, seized the NHS last year, claiming they had a ‘mandate’ to do it, despite no evidence of any such permission ever being officially granted. Since then the terrorists have made regular denials that the life of the NHS was under any kind of threat, but independent reports suggest the hostage has had to endure such brutal treatment and extreme neglect under the gang’s harsh regime, that it has probably been unable to survive.

The leader of the main gang, who goes by the nom de guerre of ‘Daf I D’Qam Eron’, claims the NHS is being treated well, but speculation has continued to mount that the hostage may in fact have already expired some time ago – perhaps this year. The speculation increased yesterday after it was revealed that the terrorists, who are famous for terrorising the young and the poor in particular, had decided to allow access to the NHS hostage only for those wishing to pay a substantial ransom, payments dubbed by the gang ‘private healthcare fees’.

In a joint statement, the two terrorist groups, followers of a macabre and apocalyptic extremist offshoot of a neo-liberal ideology known as ‘Qonsa Fattif-ism’, released a menacing joint statement on their seizing of the NHS:

The NHS is safe in our hands. But we are in control now. We will decide who has access to it.

It is thought the terrorists are hoping public anger over the treatment and demise of this well-loved and familiar institution will be dampened by a lack of reporting on the hostage taking and that by the time the public realise the extent of the brutal crime that has been committed, it will be too late to do anything to save it.

When asked if it was possible some kind of military operation could be mounted to rescue the hostage and put a stop to this kind of brutality against innocent civilians, a NATO spokesperson replied:

Don’t be daft. Everyone knows we only intervene if oil supplies are at risk.

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Who Killed The NHS? 1945-2011 RIP