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There was some confusion in diplomatic circles last night after a spokesperson for the French government seemed to indicate a softening of the French stance towards David Cameron by describing him as a ‘plein coeur’, pronounced “plonker”, which the Foreign Office has initially translated as meaning ‘in the heart of Europe’.

British diplomats were trying to ascertain if there really has been a change in the French government’s position following the recent spat over the bailout of the Euro and were trying to get an exact translation of the French words used in the communique, but indicated the process may take some time as finding anyone in Britain who can speak a foreign language to any level of communicative competency is nigh impossible.

A spokesperson for Mr Cameron said:

The Prime Minister has no comment to make on the French government’s statement because he was too busy setting fire to private property and stuffing his fags’ heads down the toilet during French lessons at school to remember much of his French, but he knows a few people with Au Pairs from France, so he can ask them for help when he gets round to it.

However, when asked by journalists to confirm if the French government now thinks Mr Cameron was right to veto the agreement, a spokesperson for Mr Sarkozy explained:

No. We just think he’s a plonker, that’s all.

The spokesperson went on the clarify the French government’s position on Mr Cameron’s decision to veto a European wide agreement on the future of the EU:

We think he’s a right ‘plein coeur’. In fact we think he was the biggest ‘plein coeur’ around the negotiating table that night.

When contacted by journalists, a spokesperson for Angela Merkel described Mr Cameron as:

Eine grosse sheisse.

At the time of going to press, a reliable translation of the German government’s statement was unavailable but British diplomats believe Berlin’s opinion of Mr Cameron is roughly similar to that of the French government’s and have translated the German phrase to mean Cameron is ‘a big shot’ in Europe.


Note – if anyone reading this knows anyone who speaks German, please contact Number 10 Downing Street as soon as possible.

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