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In a major speech to mark the 400th anniversary of the King James Bible, the Prime Minister said today that Christianity provides a ‘moral code’ to discriminate against homosexuals, be patronising to women and launch crusades against Islamic countries.

Cameron said there were three reasons why the King James Bible was as relevant today as at any point in its history.

Firstly, the King James Bible has bequeathed a body of outdated and intolerant language that chimes especially well with the antiquated, bigoted thinking of the Tory Party. Secondly, just as our language and culture is steeped in the hypocrisy and violence of the Bible, so too is our politics.

Thirdly, we are a Christian country, with all the history of attacking Muslim countries that goes with it. So we should not be afraid to continue attacking them. Let me be clear: I am not in any way saying that to have another faith – or no faith – is somehow wrong. But let’s face it, they’re not like us Christians, are they?

Cameron added that while faith was neither a “necessary nor sufficient condition for morality” it could be “helpful in that it provides a solid historical basis for not having to practice what you preach”:

Whether you look at the riots last summer, the financial crash and the expenses scandal, or the ongoing terrorist threat from Islamist extremists around the world, one thing is clear: not stoning them to death like it says in the bible we should, just isn’t going to cut it anymore. Although the people who caused the financial crash are exempt, obviously, because they’re bankers and they’ve paid huge tithes to the Tory Party so they probably get to go to Heaven or something.

A spokesperson for the the Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, who has consistently criticised government policy for its lack of morality, said:

I don’t think God needs someone like David Cameron to state His case. The Church would be much better off without that kind of support, thank you very much.

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