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In the wake of disastrous new unemployment figures which show a 17-year high, David Cameron has announced a radical government initiative to revise the tried and tested English tradition of abusing and deriding the French in order to tackle the worsening crisis.

Explaining the thinking behind the new policy, the Prime Minister said he had tried blaming bad weather on the appalling unemployment statistics, but that it had failed to have any effect on the public’s overwhelmingly negative opinion of him:

We have commissioned polling experts to conduct a detailed and long-term study of public opinion and they have discovered an indisputable correlation between laying into foreigners and improvements in the approval ratings of politicians. That’s why in this time of serious crisis in my personal ratings, we have decided to divert attention from the dire economic situation by bashing as many foreigners as possible.

The new research suggests there may be a previously unexplained correlation between berating of foreigners by English politicians, particularly the French, and public opinion. The figures suggests the same effect may also be true of abusing Germans.

A spokesperson for the opposition Labour leader, Ed Miliband said their own research also suggested there may be a connection between slagging off other nationalities and public opinion during a crisis:

Mr Miliband is extremely worried and concerned about high youth unemployment and in particular why his own low leadership ratings are not improving because of it. That is why we are seriously considering a change of direction in our policies to tackle the economic problems by sneering at the French even more than the government are doing, as well as looking at seriously increasing our reviling of anything in the least bit German. Our own research suggests mentioning corrupt Italians and poor Romanians may also have the same positive effect on our standings in the polls, so we’re considering having a go at them too.

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