Dear Petcare.com
My family has recently acquired a British Bulldog, which we call Dave.
The problem is he’s barking.
He’s also irrationally territorial. I’d heard British Bulldogs can be like this but we didn’t realise how rabid they can be.
He also seems to have taken a shine to some local fat cats and spends all his time trying to mate with them.
Should we have him put down or just castrate him?
Yours worriedly,
A UK Citizen
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Dear A UK Citizen,
Put him out of his misery immediately.
Yours,
Petcare.com
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Pride's Purge 
Dear A UK Citizen
This is very difficult, we might be able to arrange asylum in the extremities of Poland but there might be some problems with Moscow and Berlin who could feel there territory was being invaded. A more humane solution would be the Swiss method but this could be problematic too.
To preserve UK revenue, we suggest be restrained from harm to himself and others under the terms of the MHA Section 3(rabid dogs) in our soon to be opened top security kennel currently called Broadmoor but about to be overhauled by the private sector and called Mon Repos.
We deprecate any suggestion that he be released into social housing and torn limb from by the indigents
Yours with deep concern and as ever an eye to the main chance
Priory Asylums Inc
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