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Michael Gove, the Education Minister, has announced he is to write the foreword to a new edition of the King James Bible which is to be sent to every school in the country.

However, Mr Gove said that, although he accepted the King James Bible was the most important book written in the English language, it would need to be updated in order to reflect modern-day Conservative values.

Revisions announced so far are to include the following:

  • Blessed are the stockbrokers, for they shall inherit the Earth.
  • Thou shalt have no other God but money.
  • And on the seventh day he rested even though the government had opted out of the Working Time Directive.
  • It is harder for a poor man to enter Higher Education than it is for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle.
  • The blind see, the lame walk, the lepers are cured, the deaf hear and the dead are raised to life when they are evaluated by ATOS as fit for work.
  • And the Lord told the poor and the unwashed and the lowly to go forth and multiply themselves…..


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