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In a surprise return to Victorian Britain, it was today revealed that British youngsters were being systematically and openly bullied by ex-Eton schoolboys, or ‘fag-masters’ as they are known in Britain’s public schools.

The system known as ‘fagging‘ is a throwback to a time when young children were expected to act like servants for older boys in public schools like Eton, but was thought to have become extinct in recent decades. However, since the last general election, it seems to have returned with a vengeance and is even being extended to include all young people in Britain. As one former Eton school boy, now a government minister explained:

When we were juniors at Eton, we were expected to fag for the senior pupils, having to endure doing degrading tasks such as cleaning and warming toilets without any reward. We also had to put up with systematic abuse, which was known about, indeed endorsed by those who were supposed to be in charge. In short, we were treated like slaves. And now we’re in government we’re quite understandably going to make sure the rest of young Britain has to do the same for us.

Leading members of the government, such as David Cameron, George Osborne and Nick Clegg were all pupils at famous public schools and all had to suffer being ‘fagged’ by those in positions of power. As a spokesperson for the government explained:

The effect of tearing us away from our families as young boys and subjecting us to years of severe and officially endorsed abuse may be emotionally damaging, but it doesn’t seem to have done us any harm, apart from making us heartless, uncaring and nasty without an ounce of empathy for those worse off than us. So obviously that means we make excellent Tory MPs.


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