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After the success of the Libyan campaign, the former Tory party leader and Foreign Secretary William Hague vowed to use ‘all means necessary” to end the growing rebellion in Tory ranks over the vote on holding a referendum about Britain’s membership of the European Union.

The NATO action in Libya is just about the only success the government can point to, so we thought we’d try out the same tactics on some of the other pressing problems we’re facing. That’s why we’re looking at enlisting the help of our NATO allies to deal with the rebellion, perhaps limited actions such as targeted airstrikes on rebel command and control centres and elimination of their leaders .

He also said the government was looking into the possibility of solving the fuel crisis by using NATO firepower to warm pensioners’ homes. Other policies under consideration include extending GPs powers to deploy nuclear weapons on difficult cases, handing over the day-to-day administration of nursing homes to Guantanamo Bay and allowing special forces such as the SAS to bid for the running of failing schools.