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In a significant policy statement, the government has announced plans to help alleviate the housing crisis where it is estimated as many as 75% of hard-up estate agents have seen their chances of making an obscene profit reduced by as much as 50%.

A government spokesperson explained the thinking behind the new government policy:

Younger estate agents in particular as well as most lower and middle income estate agents have seen their chances of ever owning a Porsche or a Ferrari all but disappear in this economic crisis. The government is not prepared to stand by and allow this to continue. We have therefore pledged to persuade as many old people as possible with spare bedrooms to downsize and sell-up. Obviously this will mean they will sell at a loss during the present housing crisis, but it will stimulate estate agents’ possibility to make good commissions, as well as allowing unscrupulous investors to make rich pickings amongst clueless oldies.

When asked why the government would support estate agents at the expense of old people, the spokesperson said:

Estate agents are seen as dodgy, money-grabbing sharks who would (literally in this case) sell their own grandmothers to make a quick profit. It’s obvious, as Tories, we would identify with them. That’s why we’re also actively looking into how we can develop policies to support hard-up second-hand car salesmen and we have some interesting proposals in the pipeline to give a helping hand to life insurance sales representatives