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David Cameron announced today he was fulfilling his pre-election promise to be the greenest government ever, by introdusing a radical new flagship policy on Green economics:

Before the last election, I pledged to make this government the greenest ever. And today I stand by that pledge. Philip Green, the owner of Topshop, Topman, Dorothy Perkins, Burton, Miss Selfridge and BHS, made £280 million in profits this year and has an estimated fortune of more than £4 billion. But as an example to all of us, Mr Green manages not to pay any taxes at all, mainly because he’s registered everything in his wife’s name who is a tax exile in Monte Carlo.

Today, inspired by Mr Green’s example, I pledge to make sure the government hits a target of zero tax contributions from people with annual incomes of more than a million. This will be achieved by an aggressive policy of not bothering to ask rich people to pay taxes, encouraging them to become tax exiles, letting them off a few million here and there and turning a blind eye to creative accounting.

Backbench Tory MPs were enthusiastic about the new policy. One said:

Now they’re the kind of Green policies we’d like to see more of!

When it was suggested to the Prime Minister that when he said the government would be ‘the greenest ever’, some people might have thought he was talking about the environment, Mr Cameron said:

Don’t be silly. We’re Tories. Everyone knows the only green things we’re interested in are the ones with pictures of United States presidents on the back of them.