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Oliver Letvinski, the most senior Cabinet Office minister in David Cameron’s administration who was accused of dumping secret government documents in a park bin, has admitted he was doing it because he was working for the Russians as a spy:

Claims I was dumping those government papers out of laziness and incompetence are lies. Anyone who’s bothered to watch James Bond would know that’s how spies operate. I totally refute any accusations that I was inadvertently putting national security at risk. It was entirely deliberate.

When asked why he would spy for the Russians, he replied:

It’s entirely in line with government policy to sell up  our national assets to the highest bidder. The Americans have offered us the best prices for our health system, the Germans for our power utilities and the Russians put in the best bid for our secrets. When will our critics on the left stop whining on about national security and realise we can no longer afford to pay to keep our nation secure?

A Labour spokesperson accepted that due to the economic crisis a certain amount of government secrets would have to be sold but insisted a Labour administration would sell fewer secrets over a longer period of time:

A Labour government wouldn’t use bins in parks to reveal our secrets. That’s old hat. We’d upload them to the highest bidder instead.