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• Public urged to report suspicious indignation
• Excessive grumpiness could become criminal offence
• Proposal for moaning minnies to pay cash fine
• Spot fines for ‘un-British’ petulance

David Cameron has urged the British public to report excessive ‘un-British’ indignation at the state of the country and vowed to criminalise ‘gratuitous moaning’ about the government.

In a major speech on illegal indignation, the Prime Minister said:

For our part in government, we are creating a new national crime agency with a dedicated policing command which will have responsibility for safeguarding the popularity of our government.

But I want everyone in the country to help … including by reporting suspicious indignation through the Whingestoppers phoneline or through the Jolly Agency website. Together, we will reclaim our jolliness and shut the cantankerous grouches up.

Let me say one more thing about the journey to becoming a British citizen. We’re also going to change the citizenship test. There’s a whole chapter in the citizenship handbook on British history but, incredibly, there is no question on the famous British stiff-upper lip in the actual test.

The text of the prime minister’s key indignation speech confirms that he wants to make ‘lack of stiff-upper lip’ a criminal offence, and makes it clear that Downing Street backs Theresa May’s desire to rewrite the indignation rules so “misinterpretations” of the right to complain do not become an excuse to criticise the government willy-nilly.