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(satire – sort of)

Tests by experts on the Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg have revealed most of the deputy prime minister is made up entirely from chicken mechanically separated from the backbone.

The Food Safety Authority analysed 18 of Mr Clegg’s speeches and all of them contained between 60% and 100% chicken, as well as large amounts of unidentified b***ocks, the FSA said.

Lib Dem Chickens

Nick Clegg yesterday with Treasury Secretary Danny Alexander

In response to the shocking findings, a spokesperson for the Liberal Democrat Party assured any voters who may have bought into Mr Clegg’s promises that they can get a full refund after the next election by never voting for him ever again.

However, the FSA has ordered urgent tests on the quality of the Deputy Prime Minister’s electoral pledges after concerns they may contain as little as 0% of the ingredients he promised on the packaging.

A spokesperson for the FSA said:

Although there is no evidence to suggest the large amounts of chicken found in the Liberal Democrat leadership is a direct safety risk to the public, it’s clear if you decide to buy into cheapskate, lowdown politicians like Nick Clegg, you’re almost certainly going to be sold a plateful of chicken shit and b***ocks.

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Related articles by Tom Pride:

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Nick Clegg announces £126m scheme to encourage employers to take on unemployed Lib Dem politicians after next election

Coalition split after Tory minister says UK ‘peppered’ with too many wind-powered Lib Dem MPs

Charade-Gate scandal – coalition conflict escalates as Clegg accuses Cameron of cheating at charades

All Lib Dem MPs in England and Wales to be microchipped by 2015

Lib Dems choose candidate to stand against themselves in Eastleigh by-election

Rafa Benitez denies offering to take Chris Huhne’s points

Lib Dems pledge to paint Big Ben orange. Or red. Or blue. Or whatever.

Ronseal complains after being compared to toxic, dangerous coalition

Coalition Cabinet Tensions Rise After Dispute Over Quality Street Chocolate Toffee Fingers

Lib’ Dem’s Win Major Concessions From Tories Over NHS Bill Punctuation

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