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(satire)

Britain’s chancellor George Osborne’s economic competence collapsed by 0.7% in the second quarter of 2012 as the country’s double-dipstick chancellor of the exchequer’s ineptitude extended into a third quarter.

A unique combination of across-the-board weakness in ability and proficiency coupled with a weakening of rational output right across Mr Osborne’s activities were responsible for the setback, according to data from the Office for National Statistics.

Analysts in the City had expected a 0.2% drop in gross economic negligence from the government in the three months to June but were stunned by the scale of the fall in ministerial competence. The decline followed the 0.3% fall in common sense in the first three months of 2012 and a 0.4% decline in savvy in the final quarter of 2011.

Constructive output in the all-important governmental sector dropped by 5.2% between the first and second quarters of 2012, with cabinet level quality falling by a massive 1.3% and ministerial output dropping by as much as 0.1%

This is the first double-dipstick chancellor the country has seen since the mid-1980s – when the UK was beset by high levels of arrogance under the chancellor Nigel Lawson.

Officials at the ONS said it was hard to assess the full impact of the chancellor’s fecklessness in the second quarter, but officials expect a bounce back in the third quarter, when the London Olympics should make people forget for a few weeks just how shoddy his handling of the economy is.

A spokesperson for the ONS explained:

The data indicates that the government’s proficiency is contracting at a quarterly rate of around 1%, suggesting that the Chancellor in particular will act as a major drag on economic growth in the second quarter.

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Related articles by Tom Pride:

George Osborne Is Not A Wanker – He’s A Genius!

Top Tories – Osborne not fit to run the country into the ground, just its economy

George Osborne ‘shocked’ at level of his own tax avoidance

What if George Osborne doesn’t know he’s the Chancellor?

Did you know the name Gideon is Hebrew for ‘Destroyer’. Really.

Countdown – red faces as contestant spells out naughty word from OBSOREN

Loss-Making Osborne To Be Sold Off to US Conglomerate

Severe conditions alert for UK as cold front of austerity paralyses the country

The (Real) Definition Of Standard & Poor’s Credit Ratings…..

Loverat George Osborne’s Top 10 Excuses For Why He Cheated On The Economy:

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