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(satire)

There is a little Neanderthal in nearly all of us, according to scientists who have compared the genetic make-up of humans with that of our closest ancient relatives, but they have also discovered that modern-day Tories have the highest percentage by far, reaching up to 95% in the case of some activists.

Most people living outside Africa can trace up to 4% of their DNA to Neanderthal origin, a consequence of interbreeding between the two groups after the great migration from the contintent, but anthropologists have long speculated that the strong primitive and neanderthal traits displayed by modern Conservatives are the result of a much higher concentration of Neanderthal DNA. This latest latest study provides the strongest evidence so far that the modern-day Tory is indeed the direct ancestor of the primitive Neanderthal.

Small, pioneering groups of modern humans began to leave Africa 80,000 years ago and reached land occupied by the Neanderthals as they spread into Eurasia. The two may have lived alongside each other in small groups and it was thought until recently that the Neanderthals had completely died out 30,000 years ago. However, the latest research indicates strongly that their close ancestors do indeed live on in the DNA of Conservative Party members, with other more primitive branches of the same genome sequence being found in the DNA of BNP and EDL members.

Scientists at the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology in Leipzig took four years to sequence the whole Tory genome from powdered fragments of blue hair taken from three Conservative females who lived in Buckinghamshire approximately 40 years ago.

To see how similar the Neanderthal was to modern Tories, the team also compared ancient DNA with the genomes of people from China, southern Africa, western Africa, Papua New Guinea and Chipping Norton in Oxfordshire.

The researchers found that modern Tories and Neanderthals shared 95.7% of their DNA, which was inherited from a common ancestor 400,000 years ago. In contrast, only between 1% and 4% of the DNA in modern non-Tory Europeans, Asians and those as far afield as Papua New Guinea, was inherited from Neanderthals.

The study, reported in the journal Science, was greeted by scientists as almost certain confirmation that ancient Tories and Neanderthals mated when the groups crossed paths and explains why the Conservative Party is seemingly so intent on dragging us back to a stone-age civilisation based on survival of the fittest.

However, scientists have yet to explain the mystery of why modern-day Liberal Democrats are so keen to mate with their Neanderthal Tory counterparts, despite the inevitability of it leading to their almost certain extinction.

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